A Brief Reflection on Some Recent Failures

It is a Thursday afternoon, and I am hiding in the gent’s toilets at work. My heart is palpitating.

There is an email waiting for me, and I have come in here with the sole intention of reading it. But despite this, I have been standing here a few minutes and I still have not managed to unlock my phone screen.

I had come to the conclusion a few weeks earlier about what the email was going to say. But a part of me still lived in hope that it might just say something else, something better. Hence, the heart doing its very best to palpitate its way out of my chest.

Eventually I find the courage to open it. I am not surprised by what it says.

I quickly typed a polite response and asked for some feedback

I thought I had already come to terms with the rejection before I had received it. But it finally arrived, and I still felt dejected.

This was not the first time I have found myself in this situation this summer.

A few weeks earlier I was standing at the corner of by bed in a similar state when an unknown number make its presence known across my phone screen.

That too it played out in a similar fashion

That interview for the first job was, I have to say, a great experience. It was a full day of different assessments in a famous Dublin venue, and I met some interesting people on both sides of the table. They provided breakfast and lunch too, which was nothing to be sniffed at.

The day started well but I was tense and could not relax. I found myself up throwing up what I had eaten before the lunch break was even over.

That’s when it all started to go downhill, in more than just my head.

I was second from last to do a three on one interview, the final of my tasks for the day. By the time I sat down opposite the interviewers, I was utterly riddled with nerves.

I garbled my way through the easiest of questions with nonsensical answers, barely able to communicate in English.

When asked to describe a time I had worked well in a team, I had lost it completely. I’ve worked in teams in pubs, deli’s, on university assignments, and research projects in my current role. But all that came out of my mouth was some verbal manure about Microsoft Teams.

I am cringing now even thinking about it.

Though to be fair, I do think I clawed it back somewhat when I got to ask the questions and proceeded to terrorise them for their opinions on how their media brand would remain profitable in the future. And the kind HR partner on the other side of that unknown number, and who was unfortunate enough to witness my car crash of an interview said as much when she delivered the news.

I still struggle to comprehend that the second interview actually happened, mainly because the process concluded with me standing in a television studio, reading from an autocue, auditioning to be a tv presenter.

A quick zoom interview on a Tuesday (when I was supposed to be on my lunchbreak) and less than a week later, there I was. It felt like a whirlwind.

I stumbled over some words in all my excitement and nerves, and ultimately that cost me. Which I would say is fair. But I felt good when I left there and to be honest, I would like to do it again if I am ever given the opportunity.

They were both the type of jobs you I apply for because you know you’ll regret it if you don’t.

I couldn’t believe it when in the space of a few weeks they were both interested in speaking to me. I’d been knocking on the door of media work since well before I finished university, over a year ago. I had convinced myself that something adjacent to that would be fine for now. But I was lying and the door I wanted was finally starting to open. I just had to get my foot in.

One interview started off fine but turned into an absolute disaster. The other interview went well and was still ultimately a failure.

This was all some months ago now. I’ve spent some time trying to figure out my next move and licking my wounds. I learned a lot from these experiences.

The writer, podcaster, and bona fide failure guru, Elizabeth Day wrote in her bestselling book How to Fail that “Adventures do by definition involve risk, but not having an adventure means missing out on life, a far greater risk.”

She’s not wrong either.

If I had not tried and failed, how would I ever know what I might be capable of, and what I am not (for now at least)?